10 Reasons You Should Stop Calling Yourself A Single Mother

by | Confidence & Self-Love

Through interactions online and having hundreds of thousands of followers, something is very clear.  Single women with kids feel themselves to be inadequate.  They believe themselves to be inferior to other women in relationships.  This must stop.

Women who’ve chosen to temporarily not enter in a relationship while also raising kids often run a storyline of lack.  We’re not talking in finances. We’re talking in partnership. 

Not only do they focus on not having a man, as if they are missing something, but often times they feel like they are not good enough.

I posted something on my Facebook page the other day about a man valuing  you and coming correct, and a woman responded, “Even Mothers?” I read that comment and I almost cried. It pained me to see. 

 So here is the thing that I would like you to understand.

1. Being a mother and being single, have absolutely no relation to each other, other than the fact that such a person tends to view their relationship status in a negative light. 

2. Raising children by yourself is definitely hard work, with more obstacles than norm. But I promise you it’s better than not having any kids. Having kids is a wonderful, joyous, experience overall. It grows you like nothing else. Sure you wish you had a man around to help you, and the truth is you could definitely get a man to help you.  But you prefer to fall in love, so you’re not going to choose just any man, simply because he would be a good step-father to your kids.  So once again, you see how single and motherhood are two different things?

3. Okay, you fell in love with a guy. You thought it would last forever. So you had kids with him.  The relationship didn’t work out. Now you’re single with kids. Okay, you did what you were supposed to do. You were created to bare children.  How else are they going to get here Sis, if you don’t birth them? Do you know how many women can’t have kids and would love to?  Those women wouldn’t care if they had a man or not. Kids are a blessing.

4. For Black Women, you are under the imposition of the media and the storyline that’s been going around for decades. You fear being a stereotype. You fear no good man wants you. You feel you are spoiled goods.  You fear you are no longer worthy of getting a good man. Deep down inside, you feel like a high value man would never choose you.  All of this simply because you have kids. None of that is true.  You are no less value with or without kids. But your life and your happiness is definitely conducive to the happiness of your children.  Your storyline is whatever you want it to be Sis. One monkey does not stop no show.   So what that man didn’t do right by you. Look in the mirror. You are powerful. Sis, you know the only person who can give life is God right? You’re so powerful you can bring a human life into this world. You have the power to nurture a child, that could grow up to be a non puppet President and actually change the world.  One of your kids may be the next Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  He may have a dream, that one day blacks will grow up with mindsets that are not oppressed, imprisoned or impoverished, and that life will be a little more fair. Your kids are your legacy. They are not a reflection of your dating status.

5. Self-Care Is Everything –  Just because you’re a mother and you’re single, then you should really be doing your make-up, keeping your hair cute, taking bubble baths and really doting on yourself. You’re a Queen with a mini Prince or a Princess. You need YOU TIME to go over royal decisions.  This you time also helps you take some of that very same love you put out into the world, and share it with yourself.  You deserve love and happiness. Know this and hold to this. One day a man will show up, and he’ll be so amazing, so in love with you, so devoted to you, and love your kids too. You will be so grateful that your prior relationships didn’t work out. 

6. We’re all going through a journey, trying to to figure out this thing called life. None of us are perfect no matter how hard we try. We won’t always get everything perfectly right the first time around. Not everyone’s journey is the same. It’s different timing.  Just like you tell other people to cut themselves some slack, cut yourself some slack. You look at your kids sometimes and you become disappointed in yourself, that there is no man present in your home. You feel maybe they aren’t being loved and supported as other kids. You feel like you failed them.  Time Out Sis. How were you supposed to know that it would turn out like this? And chances are you could’ve chosen to stay unhappy in a relationship for the sake of the kids. You chose not to.  Chances are you even decided to take a break from dating. Even more, your kids came here to be your kids. They chose you just as much as you chose them. They knew the experience they were signing up for.  I know you wanted to give them everything, but what’s most important is the love you give them and the lessons you teach them, while you are progressing, and getting better.  What’s most important is that you set their mind free, and let them know you’re a  soul on a human journey.  We all wish we could get things perfect the first time, or live like those other women who appear to have gotten things right. But they don’t get others things right. Just like everyone else.  

7. Sometimes you feel you’re a single mother because you lack in the department of femininity. That may only be partially true. A lot of super feminine women actually get dumped all of the time.  They lack in other areas that help keep a man.  Everyone has their battles that they must fight. You’re doing the best you can of learning soul lessons along the way. 

8. Do you see how strong you are to provide for yourself, and the well being of your little ones? How you get up and hustle, and do what you must, in order to win for the sake of your family? So why do you date men who have less strength than you? Cause the truth is, even though you’re single, if the father was really, truly, doing his part, and being fully present for the kids, you wouldn’t feel like a single parent.  If you would’ve dated a man who actually fully provides for his family, maybe you would still be in a relationship.  When your good heart allows you to choose a weak man who is not full bred lion who takes care of his Queen and baby cubs, but of course you’re going to reject him. You had to let him go so that he could find his way.  You had to stop being the little girl still playing a game of house and let the little boy grow up after he kindly provided you with his sperm.

9. Look at your kids. Really look at them. Do you see the sparkle in their eyes? Do you see the glow in their skin?  They’re beautiful right?  It’s because you made them out of love.  You’ve lived and you’ve loved.  That’s more than many people do.  A lot of women got pregnant for the sake of comfort, a lifestyle or a check. You couldn’t chose that because your heart wouldn’t let you. Now look at how much growth your soul has achieved. Look how smart you are.  Look at how inspiring you are. The Universe will always reward you for being love. 

10. Most men who are looking to date SINGLE MOTHERS are looking because they feel you are easy pickings. They feel that all they have to do is get in good with your kids and boom, you’re in love and won’t be quick to dismiss him, because of the kids, and you not wanting to be a single mother AGAIN. You can’t focus on the fear or the victimhood of having a failed relationship. What you want is a man who loves you for you, and falls in love with YOU, and accepts your kids too, because they are apart of YOU.  You are a woman who is fully capable of nurturing another human being. You have so much love to give the right man.  With you he inherits a household of souls who will pour love into him. I’d say you’re pretty awesome.  But I can’t force you to believe that. You gotta receive it on your own.

Sis, I just want you to love you, forgive yourself, and get everything you came here for. We’ve all made mistakes. All we can do is help those behind us.

KissyDenise Gold