TRUST & Why Cheating is A Waste Of Time In Relationships

So today we are going to talk about TRUST.  Trust is one of the most important factors of a healthy relationship, whether it be romantic, business or friendship.  People want to be able to trust you physically and emotionally.

ENTITLEMENT

The personality type that is most responsible for ruining trust in a relationship, is someone who feels a great sense of entitlement.  Entitled people tend to feel like they have a right to feel happy at all times, no matter the cost to their partner. Entitled people take a great deal of pride in cheating and lying. And if their partner knows who they are, and sets boundaries, they become boring to the entitled person.  So they create drama to cultivate constant highs. They cause pain in the life of their mate, in their own lives and the life of the people they cheat with. This makes them feel special, validated and important.

 

  • Entitled people tend to blame others for their problems. They believe others and outside sources are responsible for their lack of happiness and fulfillment. They blame everyone else, but never themselves.   
  • Entitled people operate mostly through ego. They are attracted to those who are willing to make constant sacrifices for them.  That sacrifice often desired is to drag those who love them through the mud, in order to prove their undying love to the entitled partner.  
  • The entitled partner often times does not love themselves and feels undeserving of real love. Therefore they doubt that anyone who actually tries to help them actually loves them. Love to an entitled male for example is usually a down azz chick who will have sex with him while his wife is upstairs sleeping.  Love to an entitled man is the chick who will be his side chick throughout his relationships. A woman having no boundaries and no respect for herself as a Queen, is a loving woman, to an entitled man.

 

It sounds insane, but many men require this level of loyalty from a woman. He doesn’t care about how much he embarrasses her or lowers her self-esteem. In fact he wants her self-esteem to be low and okay with his disrupting ways so that she will be addicted to him and feel like she needs him. The only thing she can trust him to do, is to do whatever pleases him, even if it’s not in the best interest of their relationship.

TRUST

Now for those who want a healthy, prosperous, committed relationship, that hopefully lasts a lifetime, TRUST IS a VERY IMPORTANT factor in all of their relationships. Trust is what ultimately forms a deep bond in romantic relationships. However, MANY DON’T KNOW HOW TO BUILD TRUST.   

SO THIS IS HOW YOU BUILD TRUST

A great way to build trust is by being honest.  When I ask someone their opinion of something, I can gather how much I can trust them, based upon their response.  If they can’t see things at my eye level or above, I can’t trust some of their opinions in certain areas of life. Like when people told me my teeth were perfectly fine. The people who told me that, had a desire to be normal…. They can’t guide me on where I’m going. Can you imagine Beyonce with messed up teeth? No you can not.  If you tell me I’m ugly, I can’t trust your opinion either. I trust people who speak real truths. I trust people who speak in alignment with where I’m going. Some chicks should stop trusting friends cause they let you leave out the house looking any kind of way.

Trust is not built upon being a down azz chick. Trust isn’t built on constantly letting someone screw you over.  That shows a person that they don’t have to value you. Even more, wise people know that a person who accepts anything from their partner actually can’t be trusted. A person who has no boundaries or standards will fall for anything. If a person doesn’t stand for something, they will fall for anything. Like the cable guy or the pool guy who told her she’s cute, the day after she found out you cheated on her.  So now she’s banging him on the couch, thinking she’s getting revenge.

The only people who find down azz chicks to be good mates, are men who are bad mates themselves…   Except they won’t like you if you do what they do.

Neither person in such a relationship will ever grow into the man or woman God called them to be. Because neither are being their best selves.  You can not be your best self when you’re always willing to settle for less.

Good men I noticed their trust radar is way off. Some men lie to their family and friends and tell them they are good men who take care of house and home, but in real life their woman pays for everything and they are just a lying little boy playing make believe and not really trying. But there are actually good men who really do take care of house and home, pay all the bills, and they are out working hard and their woman is constantly complaining about nothing, while riding around in the brand new car he bought her.  He now walks around wondering why he’s not enough.

No relationship is perfect.  So, if you want to build a great relationship, conflict must be worked through, in order to build trust.  There is no conflict with a yes man or a down azz chick. Conflict only comes when those in the relationship refuse to forego their boundaries and standards.

EACH RELATIONSHIP COMES WITH IT’S OWN PAINS

Pain in a relationship is meant to cement trust in one another.  However the pains should change. Month after month, one should not be dealing with feeling the pain of constant cheating… The conflict and issues should get better as time goes on. And they will, if one truly desires to build a healthy, loving relationship.

If two people can’t hash out their problems the relationship becomes toxic and feels like a burden.  Trust is the most important ingredient in the relationship. Without trust the relationship has no meaning. It’s built on sand. Totally unstable.  Which is the opposite of stability… Lack of trust breeds instability.

A woman could tell a man that she loves him and would give up anything to be with him, and a man could also tell a woman the same thing. But without one trusting the other and taking them at their word, the trust means nothing. So one starts doing things that show they can’t be trusted. They  break trust. They don’t get to the part where they get to feel the unconditional love that comes when two people do right by one another, and trust that the other has their best interest at heart. This often happens when you meet someone who feels like they don’t deserve you.

CHEATING –  

Not only is cheating a waste of time. But cheating is so destructive because of the trust destroyed by the cheating. Most people who get caught cheating apologize and swear they will never do it again.  You know cause he “accidentally inserted his penis in that basic chick’s vagina…” that he now claims he’s not attracted to, at all.

 

The person being cheated on may accept that response from their partner and take it at face value. The partner may even say  “Okay. I understand.” They then try to forget (they don’t. they really attempt to suppress it, forgive, and move on. They once again give their trust to the person who betrayed them.

The person being cheated on doesn’t realize their partner places something outside the relationship as more valuable than the relationship itself.  The partner at that point is simply more concerned about holding onto the relationship, that’s about to become a black hole that consumes their dignity and self-respect.  They don’t ask themselves if their partner is a good person to stay with. The cheater had no phucks given when they cheated. The loving, faithful one in the relationship fails to see  the immature mindset of the cheater. Or they really believe that perhaps it was a one time thing and the show of immaturity was something the cheater will now grow and move on from that “mistake.” Even though it’s really not a mistake, it was a choice and an intentional decision.

The loving partner doesn’t ask themselves whether their partners values make them a good person to stay in  a relationship with. Every thought is focused on saving the feeling of love and maintaining the unhealthy relationship.

So the loving mate unknowingly, but willingly sets themselves up to be a pawn in a game of destruction. They don’t realize their partner is there to break their heart, not to fully love them, as they deserve to be loved.

When people cheat it’s because they value something else more than they value the relationship. Sometimes it’s ego, power over others, validation through sex, or a need to give in to their own wild sexual impulses or need to do what they want, whenever they feel like it. It feeds their need to control. Especially when a person is in a relationship with a powerful person.

  • Whatever the reasoning, if the cheater doesn’t know why they did something and responds with something like  “Well I was drinking with my homeboys and she had her legs open, begging me to come inside” Then they lack the maturity necessary to resolve relationship problems.    What needs to happen is a cheater needs to evaluate what screwed up values caused them to violate the trust of the relationship.  
  • Another guy may be cheating with his ex under the guild of a “friendship” may say “Oh, it’s because my mother keeps in contact with all of her ex’s, so I do the same thing. He may fail to realize his mom is 62 years old and still a single sidechick herself….  He takes the learned behaviors from his mom and carries them into his new relationship. After all, all his other girls from the past accepted the behavior. And the one he cheated with, she didn’t care if he was married, they would go to church together on Sunday, before he went back home to his wife.  And he feels he’s a great guy, cause next week he will take his wife to church. He now feels that you who values yourself, should share the same low standards as the basic chick and the wife who knows she’s married to a habitual cheater. But he’s the best she feels she can do, so that’s that. Undervaluing love and relationships is what women teach men by staying with cheating men or staying in friends with benefits type of situationships, when she knows she really wants more.

So he is now programmed for chaos and expecting each and every woman to accept the chaos that the basic chick accepted.  His value system becomes “How far can I push this woman and still maintain her love for me. He tries to instill in you the same mindset that his permanent side chick has.

The person being cheated on has no idea the dangers of dealing with such a male.  She has no idea that his finances will eventually suffer, and probably already are, because he’s always focused on something outside the relationship. He stays distracted by trying to fill his ego void with the attention of other women.  Even if he has to go to the strip club, in the hood and tip the stripper with 5 kids and 2 bullet wounds to make her feel special, so he can sneak over her house during work hours, and go home to the woman who loves him and has been taught to not expect any money from him, and swears to her that he’s a good faithful man.  

Now lets take a cheating man or woman who actually now has some value for their relationship that’s now on the line. Once caught they will say “I’m selfish. I care about myself more than the relationship” after self evaluation.

Meanwhile the entitled cheater will say “It’s not about you” And the partner is sitting there like “Well if we’re in a relationship together, and it’s not about me. Then what is it about? Am I not important? Cheater will say of course you’re important. I just had to do what I had to do to make myself happy.   That is a CLEAR sign to part ways, as more drama is coming. More cheating is coming.  Whichever way the cheater responds, they have to realize they are actually putting their own unhappiness first. For cheating rarely produces a healthy relationship with a partner who values themselves. The thinner you spread yourself, the less valuable you are.

But back to the cheater who admits to being selfish.  That person will be perfectly honest at that point and admit to not respecting the relationship at all.  Unless the cheater now shows their crappy values are overridden, there is no reason to believe that they can be trusted. And if they can’t be trusted, the relationship won’t improve.

The best way to regain trust is a consistent track record.  Words are nice, but consistency is even better. I often advise my clients to watch people’s actions and behavior more than you watch their words.   If you see them texting ex’s or flirting with new possibles, constantly checking their ex’s Facebook page, those are ACTIONS that show where their mind and heart is at. They know what their ex is doing, but they do’t know the value of Apple stock. They are showing you where their mind and heart is at.   If their heart is with you they will let you know they are going to their ex’s page to be nosey. I mean what is there to hide if you don’t have anything to hide.

CONSISTENCY

When a person shows consistency that their values are now aligned properly you can begin to trust again, and the relationship will change for the better.

When trust  has been destroyed in any relationship if can only be rebuilt by 2 things.

  1. The trust breaker admitting the true values that cause the violation and owns up to them.
  2. The trust breaker has to build a SOLID track record of improved behavior over time.

Unfortunately rebuilding a track record for trust takes time. WAY more time than it took to break the trust. And during that trust building period, things are likely to be pretty crappy.  So both people in the relationship must be conscious of the decision and duties they are undertaking, in order to repair the relationship.

Now some will do just that. But their  SOLID track record in their mind goes from instead of cheating once a month, they will cheat every 3 months.  The insanity of it all.

Which is why without the first step there should be no attempt of reconciliation in the first place. Trust is like that fine China in your mom’s cabinet. If you break it once, with some care and attention it can be repaired. You won’t even be able to see the cracks when you put it back together. But if you break it again, it splits into even more pieces… It becomes difficult to put back together again. It takes far longer to piece back together the 3rd and the 4th time.  If you break it again, more and more times, eventually it gets to the point where it’s impossible to repair.

This all sound sensible and reasonable, but not to a cheater.  They literally get into relationships not understanding they have no real intent of maintaining the unconditional love and support they crave.  So once again, they are forced to reach back into the past and get with the mates who didn’t mind being cheated on all the time. They get back with the people who were down to be embarrassed for peanuts.  Or they go find the next best thing that doesn’t want much out of life and also suffers from low self-esteem. Entitled cheaters need someone to tell them nice things about themselves. They will target someone gullible and young, who doesn’t know much or have much, and repeat the process all over again. Or they get a woman in her mid 40’s or older who thinks she has to hurry up and settle due to her age. Others will even impregnate a woman multiple times, hoping to make her feel stuck like nobody wants her because she has multiple kids. (That’s not true by the way. There is someone for everyone.)

Many people will put up with a dishonest lying mate, because they love them. They hold onto faith and hope that the person will change. But how many times are you going to let a person lie to you. Some people have watched a person lie to them 10 times. and 10 times the person was caught.   So, At some point you have to tell yourself to the truth.

While it hurts, that’s still a person you must let go of. They are not mature enough nor do they hold enough self-awareness to be in a healthy relationship. Plus you deserve better.

Another Essential: COMMITMENT:

If you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything.  Many men in society fall for the saying that more is better. Many people in general want to commit to nothing and keep their options open. They have a greener pastures complex.  No matter how green their own grass is, they don’t appreciate it, so they are always looking around and failing to fertilize their own grass and not understanding why the grass is now looking a little brown.

Whenever you keep your options open, your became dissatisfied with whatever you chose. Because you become aware of what you are potentially forfeiting.

The best thing a person can do for themselves is to commit to one thing and one person for a certain amount of time and witness a phenomenal amount of growth and love.  Their potential goes through the roof, when they make such a commitment.

For instance, If you have 2 places to live and you pick ONE, you will likely feel confident and comfortable that you made a great decision/choice.

But if you have a choice between 27 places and you pick one, you will spend years doubting and second guessing yourself. You’ve given yourself too many options, and when you’ve given yourself way too many options, it really means you don’t have a type and don’t know what you want, which is why you have such a hard time appreciating what you have.  Now you’re filled with gluttony, always wondering if you made the right choice, wondering if you’re maximizing your own happiness and constantly wanting more, without giving more of yourself. A man who goes from the ratchet side chicks house before he goes home to his sweet loving wife, will continue to stay confused and searching for more. He does not realize that HE is the common denominator in his lack of happiness.

Avoiding commitment denies one the depth of awards that come from the experience of working on something for 5 years or being with the same person for 10 years.

By failing to commit one never truly obtains the rewards and the growth that life offers them.  Often such people will be immature and their finances will not match up to their age. If you look into the background of a a broke 37 year old man, who talks big money, you will more than likely find out that he is a womanizer.  

A man who focuses on feeding his ego through sexual conquests rarely has his finances in order. Sex is more important to him, and not the sexual pleasure that ones feels when their body and mind is deeply committed to another soul.  Instead, they form multiple relationships with multiple women and try to hold onto to a few of them. And it works, cause some women still get dickmatized.

You see by constantly searching for more, the fire in either relationship can not be fed. It will eventually die down. Many cheaters blame their mate and talk bad about their mate and the person they are cheating with too. Neither are good enough. They blame others for their lack – Never ever looking within and seeing that they are actually the real problem.

Commitment offers one a wealth of opportunities that may be available to them otherwise.

Regardless of all these simple facts, many stay in relationship with cheaters due to low self-esteem.  Low self-esteem causes so many problems for individuals in every facet of life. From relationships, to careers, to networking and friendships. Lack of self-esteem causes many to settle for less than they truly desire.  Low self-esteem causes people to put up with things they know they shouldn’t and end up settling for less. Some may even have a great deal of self-esteem, but it’s not high enough for the person who deep down inside, they truly are. Or they showcase a little too much humility, because they are afraid to show how great they really are, for fear that it may make others feel like less than.

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