When I decided no more

I heard an affirmation today that said “I will not judge myself, I am doing my best.” 

I immediately rejected it.  Lately I have not been doing MY best.  I can definitely do better. 

I’m at a point where I feel like it’s time to take a break from blogging, and focus on writing books.  Although writing is my gifting, I feel like I should write less online. 

In a way I’ve tired of social media, and women finding me, the most boldest,  most phenomenal, most powerful, most cutest, most brilliant, most magical, anointed woman they’ve ever met and them kind of centering in on me, judging me, watching everything I do, copying everything I do, while being triggered by me and my authority and popularity.  Jealousy strikes. I’m so used to such behavior that I literally am thankful for the women who lately show me so much love and gratitude for all that I do.  I sense it may be time for me to limit my interactions on my personal page.  One thing I know is that familiarity breeds contempt. It makes me feel like a whale in a pond. Except in my pond, others want to BE the whale, without doing the same work, and sacrificing like the whale. To keep going the way I have would be insane. I’ve been doing it basically the same way for 6 years. It’s time to stop. 

I’m also growing weary of sharing myself and my life with everyone in order to motivate them.  People have said it before, but I’m starting to feel like I give too much of myself. I prefer the Tony Robbins space where you’re everywhere, but people only have access to you when you want them to.

The answer to this is simply climbing higher. It’s a message that it’s time to grow some more. It’s time to step into my power some more. It wasn’t smart of me to keep fighting it. I didn’t even realize my own lack of surrender.

This is one of those blogs, where it feels more like me sorting through my thoughts so that I may see clearly.  This is more for myself than it is for anyone else.  Yet, my teaching method has always been based upon my own life experiences.  Yet, I feel like it’s time to take the “I” out of it. 

I actually talked to two new men today.  Those interactions gave me ZERO excitement. In the past year I simply haven’t dated. I had no interest in it. WHY? Because it’s rare that I meet anyone who excites me.  Yet, I’ll try to fix it by saying affirmations that I meet lots of exciting men.  Try, cause I know it works, but maybe I’m not ready to give up the belief. Yet I must let go of it.

To let go of it, I also have to let go of any men in my life who don’t excite me.   People told me to date men, be in men’s presence and enjoy their company; when I just wanted to be in my lil corner and heal. But the only kind of man who excites me is one who is heart-centered and came to fully love me.

 In the past I found that most men who pursued me simply weren’t equipped to love me at my level.  It’s intense. It’s not half assed. It’s all in or nothing. Therefore even though I want to be in love and excited by a man, that didn’t happen with the few men who slid through the cracks.  They were the types who I believed that if I were to enter a relationship with them, that they really wouldn’t give a phuck about me. I see this happen to too many women, and I ain’t going. A lot of people in this world, don’t truly know what LOVE and CARE is. To their credit, they definitely TRY to. But their try usually ends in mediocre sorts of love.  When you meet men whom their ex’s really didn’t give AF about them, we often place the blame on the woman. But oftentimes a man who ends up with a woman who he is providing for and she’s still not fully in love with him, it’s due to him being kind of cold in the heart and not nurturing her.  

I know this because my ex-boyfriends never have female problems. All of their exes are crazy about them. Women absolutely love them, because they emotionally connect with a woman on a deep level.  Even me, I am not quick to date after breaking up with them, because I know that regardless, the truth is most men don’t compare to them. The cold men don’t even have enough sense to find a woman with whom he will say to “You are so beautiful. You make me happy. I love spending time with you and want to marry you.”   Nope, instead they will say something like “Beauty isn’t everything.” He instead will tell a woman she’s not all of that, or try to make her feel like she’s inadequate. He’ll diminish who she is, her beauty, her accomplishments and everything else.  He’ll be dry on her, and won’t speak life into her, then wonder why  she has no interest in sexually being excited by him.

Such men rarely ever get relationship coaching from anyone who can actually help him. He always thinks he’s perfectly fine and the best man in the whole world.  He would be quick to tell a woman that she’s not perfect so how dare she judge him or notify him of his bad traits, that he could potentially fix, so he could be a better mate.   Even more their appearance actually isn’t all that, but you can’t tell them that they themselves are not fine as hell…  Such men are so draining and boring AF.  They will make you never want to date again and swear that the woman is the problem.  These men have money, but not much else. Their self-development isn’t in the LOVE department.  They are so bad that if a woman tells them she’s hurt by him, he’ll say it’s a personal problem. They make me grateful for the love I have experienced.  They make me speak even louder commanding women to go after the men they REALLY want.

Anxiety – The past week my anxiety went to an all time high. It was a battle like non other. Fortunately someone smart told me how to balance it and I’ve done more research on it.  Yesterday I sat with my anxiety and felt the pain flow through my arms. I watched it, without emotionally responding to it. I watched myself. I watched myself and asked myself what was the real reason that I’d been feeling that pain in my arms for so many years. Pain that became familiar to me after a decade of experiencing it. I noted it was mostly trauma from dealing with the wrong men or allowing the wrong men to have access to me period.  I gave myself a pat on the back for still reaching great success, despite it. I gave myself empathy for walking through it, and opening myself up to love again. I realized that another part of the reason I wasn’t dating, was that I simply don’t want to be hurt anymore.  I’m tired of being hurt. Being single felt better than being hurt. I also wouldn’t hurt a man by getting into a relationship with him if I don’t feel I can fully love him. But some men think I’m mean for that, and would still prefer that I be in a relationship with them, because even 1/4 of my love is greater that the average woman’s so called FULL love.

I noted all of my emotions last night and decided I simply couldn’t be that woman anymore who allowed such things to happen to her. The woman with so much empathy, that I immediately think that people mean me well and that they want to do right by me. The person who sees the beauty in people and sees them as their highest self. I realize maybe I’d extended the grace of my gifting to too many people.  Too many people who didn’t even realize that me aligning with their vision and seeing them as their highest self, actually does propel them. I was healing so many people at the cost of draining myself, feeling uncared for, and feeling unappreciated. 

I was told to write a book on Love, so in a way YES, I felt like OMG. Maybe I should find love myself if I am to write such a book. But the truth is I’ve already experienced love that others will never feel.  If they get to experience just one of the loves I had, and also read my book to learn how to maintain it, their life will be blessed. 

I gave up on the me who has been humble for the past year.  I don’t believe that people really appreciate humble people.  In my healing from heartbreak and everything else that was going on in my life, I believe that some men tried to take advantage of me and thought they would easily be able to woo me, without actually bringing their heart. 

I looked at the pressure that always seems to be on me to perform, to reach great heights, to do this, to do that.  I see now that LOVE has always been my way of balancing my life and feeling some sense of normalcy as a human. It keeps me connected and grounded.  Because my career/purpose aspirations are definitely out of this world. Being soul led and having a huge calling on your life, after making so many mistakes…. I can’t even begin to explain to someone the pressures I often feel while KNOWING I must keep going cause it has to be manifested through me. To not do what God called me to do would actually be the greatest failure. 

Writing has always been the way I simply release it all. It’s a place where I’ve always felt free to express myself.  But talking myself through my own thoughts, that I allow others to read on a daily basis, and judge me for it, and see how they can try to analyze me, or move in on me, has become a drain. I have to stop pretending that I’m not super popular. If Beyonce were to freely express herself the way I do, it would be a darn disaster to her brand.

I’m experiencing real releasing of the ego. I will now only care about what I want, and embody the highest version of myself. I will go back to focusing on attracting the love that I desire.  I will only allow people who are excited about me into my vortex. Me trying to be humble and thinking it’s okay for anyone to perceive me as just a normal human, definitely didn’t do me any good. I am a Goddess by birth. I am to be honored, worshipped, loved, admired and everything else.  But why was it so hard for me to reach this point? More trying to fit in with society and wanting people to be comfortable with me. I mean who is comfortable standing next to a Goddess?  Who is comfortable around a super confident woman who thinks God wants the best for her and that she is the best? People are much more comfortable around “Humble” people who believe that their 9-5 is a lifetime plan. That’s “normal.”

I now quit the normal, perceivably safe world. I’m going back to my celebrity world where I belong.  We get so far off track and out of alignment when we refuse to accept our power, magic and mission. I shall also admit it kind of already disgusts me how now when I go back to being a super popular celebrity, that so many people pop back up to kiss your azz, pretend they love you and pretend to support you. But those same people didn’t love you when you showed up as the humble, small fry version of you. People are obsessed with popularity, numbers and people who are winning. Meanwhile I’m obsessed with love, purpose, prosperity, and God. 

Now that I made this decision to BE me, I now have space for my soulmate King to access me.  Obviously he couldn’t access me while I was pretending to be someone else, by pretending to be less of myself. My soulmate King wants the full me. He wants all of me and everything that comes with it. He gets it and can handle me. He has no interest in dimming my light. 

Back to real love I go. It has taken me 16 months of healing from heartbreak to reach this point.  Now it’s time to #SayLess and #DoMore.

My advice to you is to stop giving a phuck, DO YOU, and live your best life. It’s really the only thing that makes sense. 

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